Regrets

I’ve never deleted a post from the site before, and somehow I can’t quite bring myself to do so now. But I am moving the previous post below the fold, because I don’t want to have to look at it. I feel like a real shmuck, and I need to find a way to move beyond both feeling miserable and feeling bad for feeling miserable.

The colleague to whom I referred is a fantastic guy, and he deserves nothing less than what he’s received. I’m just suffering a bad case of “why not me?” And that’s unfair, to both of us.

So the previous post is remaining on the site, for my sins, but is moving off this page, for my sanity.

And I’m going to be writing more about this in the coming days. Because I’m in the process of developing a pretty good sense of why-not-me, and it bespeaks the need for some serious changes in direction, on my part.

In the meantime, there’s good Irish whiskey to be drunk.

4 thoughts on “Regrets

  1. So I came across this book on Amazon today and recognised that I do most of the things it warns against – questions not statements, inappropriate smiling (?), tilting the head, and it seems to argue that that’s why women don’t get ahead.

    On the one hand I’m thinking WTF, I’m going to act like me and don’t they dare tell me different. On the other hand, I was TAUGHT to do that smiling, questioning good girl act. I have no idea what I’m “really” like.

    But I was thinking I might buy the book. I mean, sure, yes, the men who do wonderfully often do deserve it.

    And perhaps there are things we might be doing differently.

    Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office: 101 Unconscious Mistakes Women Make That Sabotage Their Careers

    Yeah. I think I’ll buy it. If you do too, we can co-blog it in a little book club. If not, you can read my notes 🙂

    I hope you really enjoyed that Irish whiskey!

  2. Jill — this sounds like something I definitely need to think through. I’ll order up a copy, and let’s do co-blog it. Because I think it’s not at all incidental that my wonderful, deserving, highly successful colleague is male. And that he has an Ivy League education, while I’ve clawed my way into this position from an undergraduate career at a third-rate state university, and a grad school where we were given no coaching whatsoever on things like grant writing and contract negotiating and etc. I have felt, from the moment I arrived here, like I was five years behind, and I’ve basically made up for it by doing extra housework around the place (volunteering to chair committees, multiple administrative assignments, etcetera). So my current very attenuated position with regard to my scholarship has to be seen both through a class analysis, of a sort, and a gendered analysis. (It’s no accident, again, that my wonderful male colleague felt sufficiently confident that he could refuse onerous administrative work until later in his career.)

    Anyway. More babbling. But yes, let’s read.

    The Irish whiskey was mighty fine, I’ll admit, but it would have been better with genial conversation like this…

  3. For what it’s worth, I so know the feeling, and it does suck. A friend of mine’s mom once wisely said, “Never wish to be in someone else’s shoes, because you don’t know what their problems are.” Which is very true. But there are times when I’d give anything to have other people’s problems if I could have some of their achievements/recognition along with it.

    From a more analytical pov, I do think the class element – or cultural capital? – of success in the academy doesn’t get recognized enough. It frustrates me in applying for stuff, because I fit some of the “success” markers but not others, and I’m never sure how much time I should spend chasing after stuff that’s determined by how well someone fits into an artificial hierarchy. I guess the short point is that I persist in acting like this is a meritocracy and I’m never sure how misguided that is.

    Anyway, I’m glad you raised the question, even if you’re unhappy with the post after the fact.

  4. I hope that if you both do co-blog the book, you write a little bit about how those (so-called) “Unconscious Mistakes” might play out differently in your respective institutions. I’m curious specifically as to how the European and American academic models differ in their approach and reception to women researchers and teachers.

    And KF, just for the record, you kick total ass.

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