Comments on: Moving On

By: Shhh

Shhh — Tue, 07 Jun 2005 14:29:18 +0000

Oh, man. That message was not meant to be a quitcher-damn-whinin’ e-mail cause-my-life-is-worse. Eep. Sorry if it came across that way. I had a brief and unexpected moment of sharing, I guess. All I really wanted to say was that worrying about these things won’t help - we ultimately have no control over all this, which took me a LONG time to accept. I just don’t want to see you suffer like I did. Have a good trip back to paradise (heh) today.

By: KF

KF — Tue, 07 Jun 2005 11:21:06 +0000

Yikes, Shhh—thanks, for the reassurance and the reality check. I’ll admit, I do now feel like a complete and utter asshole for whinging. Yeah, alone has its downside, but on the other hand, the eventual passing of my parent(s)—an eventuality that, first of all, gives every indication of being far into the future—anyhow, that eventuality will leave me with no responsibilities other than co-executing their will. As I try to keep reminding myself, at least on days when I (a) am not having massive hormonal mood-swings, and (b) am not about to leave DC, things could be much, much worse. A big hug to you, and thanks for helping screw my head back on straight.

By: Shhh

Shhh — Tue, 07 Jun 2005 03:24:00 +0000

I have to agree with Jonathan, here, KF. You don’t want to put your energy into worrying about this. I did it for two years with my own parents and have now come to the conclusion that worrying is getting me nowhere. Instead, I’ve chosen to celebrate their lives and enjoy each day that I have with them (in spite of all my bitching about their constant nagging when I’m in their presence back home in MN). My father has suffered from a series of heart attacks over the past 5 years, most recently in April, has a pacemaker, and can barely walk around the block without getting winded. Each year I’m thankful that he made it through another one because his days are clearly numbered; heart disease has taken his grandfather, his father, and one of his brothers. My mother suffers from rheumatoid arthritis and has been in such severe and incapacitating pain over the past few years that I’ve had to fly home at a moment’s notice when my father is out of town, in order to help her get dressed, take a bath, get up off the toilet, peel bananas for her, and lift a fork to her mouth. It’s really horrible to see one’s parents live in such pain and to not be able to do the things that they used to enjoy doing. Fortunately, their meds seem to have stabilized them a bit now, and they’re living without serious pain, but we always wonder when the next flare-up will occur.

An even more frightening realization for me has been that my youngest brother, who is now 28 years old and is mentally retarded, will be in my care when my parents pass away. While I’ve always been close to my brother, the idea of being responsible for him scares me to no end. Am I ready for this? Not really. Will I be when the time comes? Of course I will. I’ll deal with everything when the time comes, just like I’ve learned to do in every other aspect of my life, as have you. Having had numerous discussions with my parents now about what will happen when they die, I feel somewhat prepared to face the challenges that will ensue. The loss will be horrible, and I’ll certainly grieve for a long time, but I take solace in the fact that my friends have become my family, and regardless of the fact that I don’t often open to them about my own family situation, I know that they’ll be there for me when I need them.

You are not an island. We’re here for you.

By: Jonathan

Jonathan — Mon, 06 Jun 2005 16:48:01 +0000

Q: What to do with all that?
A: Anything not self-destructive.

Oddly, I seem to have gone through the exact same thing , the details of which are unnecessarily depressing.

The whiny blog post and moving the hell on are the right path. Focus it all on constructive activities. Pain consumes energy—energy you can easily redirect to progress.